In the end, of course,  

Posted by: Savage

nothing works out the way you need it to. In the end, I was the one to be kicked out.

My mom picked her meth-addicted fianceƩ over her own daughter.

I've had to figure out how to eat. I've had to figure out where I'm going to live (right now I'm drifting in between my best friend's houses).
My friend's parents shouldn't have to be mine, too. But because my parent taught me nothing, and then left me, I've got nothing else.

I'm so close to done.


Posted by: Savage

still lost.

I have these epiphanies...
And this one was for good.
But it's made all of the sadness lower than low.

Here's the epiphany.

The only thing that's really upsetting me right now is the fact that I spent so long sad, feeling horribly about myself, and honestly just wanting to die. And the fact that a LOT of people still feel that way. Epiphanies are wonderful, but also really sad-making. I just want everyone to know that it's going to be okay. That you can do amazing things. That it's worth it to stay alive, because happiness can be yours, and it WILL be yours. You deserve it. Every single one of you. Happiness doesn't mean being happy all the time, no, but it does mean knowing that everything will be okay. <3

Regardless of your weight, your sexual orientation, your social status, your ANYTHING, you, my friend, are a beautiful person, and you've got a lot to live for. Just like me.

You are worthy.
You are good enough.
You have always been and always will be.
The outside world does not dictate this. You were born this way.
It is not going to change (unless you're an a-hole, like a few people I know... but that's a whole different story, and you're almost definitely not one of them).

While you cannot change your situation most of the time, you can try your hardest to make the best of the day ahead of you regardless. Tell the world to shove it, and then help make it more beautiful.
And you CAN do it. Don't ever let anyone tell you you can't, especially yourself.

Chances are strong that almost everyone around you is rooting for you. That all they want to do is see you succeed. And the only thing holding you back is yourself. Now, don't fret. It took me forever to figure it out too. And there ARE those few people that are just jealous of how awesome you are and want to see you fall. But prove THEM wrong. They don't deserve to take away your happiness. No one does. And you don't, either. You only deserve to find it. And keep it.
Listen to the ones you love. The ones that fill you with joy.

I love you, and I'm sure a lot of other people do too.

Okay, I'm going to go cry now, because that's what I do when I write stuff like this.

PS I will probably add to it a bunch later.



Posted by: Savage

I'm beginning to get my life together. It's a curious thing, having things happen the way you need them to. I mean, I doubt it'll stay this way, but you never know.
Signing up for school, getting stuff you need (new computer, ability to take a class where you get up off your ass and exercise), it's just really great.
Granted, my mom's fiancee is a complete asshole and she's letting him stay. Hopefully if he's out of line again she'll actually kick him out. She got closer than ever this time. Who knows?
All I know is as long as he's not yelling at her or complaining about me everything with him is okay. He may be an asshole but when he doesn't like it he at least seems like a nice person.
The problem is keeping in mind that people like that are assholes forever, usually, and sadly. I know far too many people that I've forgiven and been fucked over by again. It is NOT pleasant whatsoever.
I'm thirsty.

Jumping right into it.  

Posted by: Savage

It's possible. It's completely possible. I COULD do it.
The problem is, I don't want to.
Yes, I want to, I want to get it done, but all of this calling and talking to people... my anxiety kicks in. I don't like talking to people I don't know unless it's too befriend them, which I'm good at. If it's to get information, I freak out.
I'd much rather just go to school. It was SO MUCH EASIER in high school, in that perspective. But I even sucked at that.

I don't even want to do the school thing.
I would much rather give up for good. Seriously.

I struggle with that need every day.
Everyone talking about suicide prevention and all of you telling me how much you love me, and the second part helps, it does, it really really does, but in the end, I don't want to work for it.
I've worked so hard in life already and look at where it got me - screwed over, stupid, and with the only good thing going for me being my friends.

I don't want to go through the disappointment of failing again.
I'd rather just know I'm going to fail, and then fall, because I've already fallen.